more dopes you shouldn't bother dating.

So the last post created quite the discussion - who knew we had dated so many dopes?! Tis' a blessing and a curse, buuuuut sharing and commiserating has proven to be both entertaining and educational. Thank you ladies, and gentlemen (yes, there was more than one male response), for sharing stories of the dopey ones you've had the (mis)fortune of dating, or simply eating an awkward dinner with once.

So with that being said, I bring you more dopes you shouldn't bother dating. 

Exhibit 1: The Momma's Boy

Knowing your man loves his mama is the mark of a true catch. Except when it's not. Sometimes the catch to that great catch? He hasn't quite cut the cord, meaning he goes to her before making major decisions - moving, changing jobs, choosing a significant other - and looks to her for validation. A healthy attachment is fine, but if Mom is picking out his underwear you better move on to the next one.

Exhibit 2: Mr. I'm Sexy and I Know It

You are not as "hot" as you think you are, trust me. I'm glad that you have a great face and a decent personality but come on, you have GOT to bring more to the table. There is a major difference between being confident and being narcissistic; proclaiming yourself as "sexy" or "hot" will ultimately get you nowhere. Red flag? When he likes his own Instagram photo. Good looks do not cover crazy.

Exhibit 3: Mr. High School
You know the dreamy Homecoming King Mr. School Spirit Class President? That was awesome, but HELLO, it's 2012 - it's been ten years and you're still stuck in a time warp of high school euphoria. Translation? You're at the local watering hole buying shots for current high school seniors on a Tuesday. A date with this dope consists solely of rehashing that game-winning touchdown that took their team to state whilst driving through the campus in his 2001 Mustang. Welcome Back Kotter? I'll pass.

Exhibit 4: Mr. Credit Card Just Got Declined....

...while buying ice cream at a Sounds game. Yes, this is a true story and one that has continued to haunt me since I heard it. In her own words, "if you can't afford ice cream then I do not want to see your credit score!" Amen. 

Exhibit 5: Mr. Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Who said you can't have your cake and eat it too? Well, everybody. This dope thinks he can have you, and the other girl and that one girl that he met that one time - all at the same time. As long as you can compartmentalize and be nice it's ok, right? This guy is arguably the worst simply because he cannot be trusted, no matter how convincing he may sound. To quote the Black Keys, "the look of the cake, it ain't always the taste."

Word. xoxo.

dopes you shouldn't bother dating

Just the other day I was eagerly awaiting Mr. Jack White to play a sold-out show at the Ryman. With my favorite and a beverage in hand I was a happy girl, however I kept noticing a couple near us and what a great time they were not having. She switched seats with him because he couldn't see very well. He made her hold his drink while he tink tinked on his phone up until the time the lights went out. He paid her little attention and her expression blatantly read, "Why am I here with this dope?" So in honor of THAT girl, and girls everywhere, I bring you dopes you shouldn't bother dating. 

Exhibit A: The Green Bean

We've all dated one, or three or four. You know, the guy who looks great enough on paper - nice smile, decent conversationalist, calls when he says he will - but, like green beans,  he's bland, the one you never crave but he's there and it's convenient. The green bean is nice enough but lacks all the umph! you're looking for in a man. Ditch him and find a strapping beau who sets your hair on fire with his general awesomeness.

Exhibit B: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

You don't have to be familiar with this piece of classic lit to grasp the reference. This guy is attractive, seemingly put together and well-mannered, but give him a few days and he turns into a man you do not know. An elegant mess. Is consistency too much to ask for? NO. If he can't consistently be his non-dopey, brilliant self that you love then what's the point of sticking around? A little Don Draper is charming but too much does not a healthy relationship make. 

Exhibit C: Mizz Thang

A borderline homosexual, this guy is hilarious but his self-proclaimed "metrosexualness" is exhausting. This dope seems fairly manly at first but then his little quirks start their midnight creep quicker than one would assume. He uses product in his hair. He is proud to tell you all about the product he uses in his hair. He frequently refers to you as "the bestest." He cares more about the Miss America Pagent talent portion than you do and dvr's Gossip Girl. 

Exhibit D: Mr. Hunger Games. 

When he cares to be around the outdoors more than you and is not a tribute? That is a problem. Arguably most perplexing of all the dopes, this guy prefers to roam about like a nomad and practically live in the woods to staying still long enough to get to know a female. While he appreciates the species he finds himself quite content not being at all attached to a woman, spending all of his time proving just how manly he is. The sad part is the only ones paying any kind of attention are his man friends. Too much testosterone and not enough heart. 

Exhibit E: Mr. Long Distance

Great, you live 3,000 miles away and yes, you miss me and want to see me but you don't want to actually make the trip. You just want to talk about it. Talking is nice but you should really stop with all the talk and make it happen. You make time for the people you want to make time for; it really is that simple. Action is character. No action is lame.  

As for me, I'm sticking to my SEC haircut, polo wearing, well-read gentleman type. A guy who is just as obsessed with music as I am, who finds my inability to add and subtract endearing and doesn't get bent out of shape when I can't properly pour frozen beverages from a pitcher. 

xoxo.

lunch with Tupac.

I teach 8th grade English in a very, ahem, urban school. Little to no parental support + raging hormones + a diet consisting solely of Hot Cheetos = my typical student. 78 awkward adolescences. They don't particularly like school; they much rather be "shopping" at the mall while watching J Cole videos on YouTube on their phones. You can imagine how difficult it is to get them to even pretend to be interested in reading and/or writing. Opposition and disinterest only make me all the more determined, so yes, I basically do a song and dance routine on the daily in attempt to somehow grab their attention and then, an even bigger feat, keep it.

Last week I bridged the gap between teacher and student, what they know and I what I know. I educated them on Coachella, and then showed them the Tupac hologram. They sat in amazed silence. They clapped when the hologram disappeared. They asked analytical questions about how holograms are designed. Knowing Tupac gave me about a million cool points and sparked a little creative writing. Believe. xoxo.

"Lord, beer me the strength."

You know those weeks when everything is a little...off? You can't really pinpoint what or who is contributing to this feeling exactly but you feel it, and all you want to do is fix it and feel all warm and fuzzy and normal again. This has been me all week and no, I have not changed my name to Debbie Downer but I have found myself a little overbooked and underwhelmed. Eh, this too shall pass. So maybe my methods are a little conventional, but here are some ways to combat that "eh" feeling, if and when you find yourself in the same temporary state of mind -

A.) Hot Yoga. Rest assure you will be thinking of nothing except holding each pose without passing out from heat exhaustion. I've never really been into or honestly, understood, yoga but I am all about any kind of physical activity that burns 600-800 calories in 70 minutes and improves overall flexibility. Believe. 

B.) Get in the tub. Yep, draw yourself a hot bath and just soak. I do my best thinking and sometimes my best blank stare in the tub. Read a book, sing to yourself, turn your phone off. Bubbles and beverage optional but highly recommend.

C.) Turn the music up and put it on repeat. Roll the windows down and blare your favorite all the way home. Sing to your furniture as you dance around the living room in your underwear. Some statistic somewhere proved that listening to music clears our brains and increases happiness (Adele not included).

D.) Go to dinner with friends. Or cook, what have you. Laughing with your friends whilst eating something scrumptious will make you forget all about that ridiculous "conversation" with your boss or how an eighth grader called you "petty" because you wouldn't allow him to write his essay on "Why Tupac is a Gangsta." 

E.) Sleep. I have been called a robot on more than one occasion, why? Because I can run on very little sleep and often do, however when it catches up it catches up. Take a nap. Fall asleep face down on the couch while "watching 30 Rock" and don't be upset about it. Sleep in an extra ten or so minutes in the morning. Be nice to your body.

If you have followed the aforementioned steps and still don't feel top notch just remember: at least you are not Kanye and rapping about Thera-Flu. Go be awesome.

xoxo. 

tighten up, spring.

Hello my name is Katie and I have been a very negligent blogger as of late. I attribute my brief absence to activities including but not limited to editing chapters 1-4 of my book, half-watching and 100% making fun of the dopey Bachelor finale and driving to Alabama on a weeknight to see Jack. Hey, we are all busy and fall short. Which leads me to this profound thought: spring weather is nice.

Spring in this part of the country means perfect temperatures free of that humidity we come to hate by early June - days filled with puffy clouds and plenty of sunshine. Music sounds better with the windows rolled down. Every food group tastes better whilst enjoyed on a patio or deck, and honestly, I've already forgotten what it was like to not be able to feel my face as I walked to, well, anywhere. The con of this storybook weather is that it will soon transform into a stifling summer and we will undoubtedly curse the sun as we are unable to function without a pool or handheld fan. So in honor of living in the moment and simply because my brain thinks in lists, here are some perfect activities to enjoy during this time of atmospheric awesomeness:

1. Go to the park. Contrary to popular belief you do not have to have a dog or a child to enjoy a nice outing to the park. Take a blanket, a beverage and reading material. Company optional.

2. Go run. Outside. Stop saying you're not a runner and go! Just don't run on a main road like some of the hardcore marathon-training "I run at 9 pm on Woodmont wearing all black" runners do. It's poor form and it's dangerous.

3. Buy tickets to a summer music festival. It's a win/win situation. You buy tickets in advance and they're typically cheaper, and you're guaranteed a ticket... AND you trick your brain into getting excited about being at an outdoor music festival in the summer heat. Case in point, Bonnaroo. We bought our tickets weeks ago and my brain is envisioning listening to Aziz be hilarious on a sunny, 72 degree spring day. I'm sure it will be closer to 102 degrees but don't tell my brain that just yet.

4. Eat outside. I can think of about 35 places within a fifteen mile radius that offer outdoor seating so no excuses.

5. Dress for the occasion. Put up the blah black and winter sweaters. Keep it light and add some color! Boys, you too. Seersucker allowed.

Happy Spring! Here's to freckles and plenty of buttercups. xoxo.

LENT. #absurd?

Ah, Lent. The time when we're asked to give up some form of luxury to pay penitence in preparation for Easter. (Side note: I love Easter.) Whether you find yourself to be a religious person or not, errbody can participate in the festivities. Just find something that you can plausibly give up for 40 days, whether it be breaking a bad habit or giving up a guilty pleasure. Sure, it may not quite be the act of self-sacrifice that the Pope might approve, but change is a good thing. And who wouldn't approve of that? So without further ado, some non-absurd things worth giving up...

1. Being so serious. There is a time and a place for staying on task and having that serious face. In the same manner, there are lots of times and places where you need to relax and enjoy life a little. Besides, you look prettier when you smile.

2. Pinterest. It's ridiculous. I much rather someone buy me actual bulletin boards and force me to place photos of Paula Dean-ish recipes and Ryan Gosling saying something semi-inspirational using actual pins.

3. Texting/Applying Mascara while driving. No, this is not my very own PSA but I have seen too many Dateline specials about the dangers of such activities and I am hereby making it a point to change my ways. I'm going to apply my mascara before I leave the drive way and will leave my cellular device safely in the passenger seat.

4. Watching Republican Debates and debate coverage. It's not worth it. Blah blah blah Romney, blah blah blah birth control. Besides, watching those debates is like watching four middle-aged men argue with each other over who is the least drunk and able to drive.

5. Being too rigid. Yes, it's great to have those nonnegotiables and to make it known where you stand -at work, in dating, life. But how are you going to experience anything new and exciting if you keep yourself straight-laced in your principles 24/7, 365? Stick to your guns but stay open to new ideas and the possibility of change.

6. Leaving voicemails. No one listens to them and why sit and awkwardly explain why you called when you can send a "tag, you're it" text? Work smarter, people.

7. Showing too much skin. Less is always more, ladies. Leave something to the imagination and you will reap positive attention. Same for you too, guys. Less product in the hair. Less Axe body spray. Less something.

8. Wearing ugly shoes. Life is too short to wear sub par footwear.

9. Being afraid. Whether you're scared silly of public speaking or maybe too shy to ask that girl to dinner, STOP! Change your ways! What good is there in fearing ______? Messing up would be the worst that could happen, and let me tell you, that is nothing to be afraid of. And remember, whatever happens you always have your good hair and winning personality to catch your fall.

10. Early bedtimes. As a night owl and possible robot, I am a huge advocate for staying up a little bit past your bedtime. Try to implement this gradually, testing it maybe on Wednesdays - middle of the week, nothing major happens on Thursdays, almost the weekend, etc.. Some of the best moments in life happen when the rest of the world is sleeping. Word.
xoxo.

THINGS FOUR WELL-EDUCATED WOMEN SAID WHILST WATCHING YET ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR.

They have the same part.
Chris Harrison is probably already on the island, floating and reading People.
The divorce isn't final from her wife.
An eating disorder? Tell me something new.
He's dead in the eyes.
His inner thigh! Nothing about that is attractive.
Do not make them get in the river.
They've photo shopped the camera man who is actually driving the boat.
Natives!
Yeah, I don't think they speak like, American Spanish, like, yeah.
He looks like Kelly Kapowski's father, no grandfather.
Look how white his inner thighs are!
After seeing that, I never want to be with a man again.
Even her laugh sucks.
Love her. Hate her foundation.
Turn the beat around, son.
Are they rubbing cheeks or are they kissing?
Do you have anything of value to say?
King Douchelord.
The close-up of her eyebrows is just as disturbing as her personality.
Oh my Bathsheba status.
Two on ones are the worst.
Who's the Chief? Obama? You're with Barack?
Cheesy hash browns.
Q: Is that a silk shirt? A: No it's linen, poly-cotton at best.
Don't mind us, just changing each other's tampons!
Ew, he had his tongue out way before she even leaned it.
Q: Why must he always wear those gay flip-flops? A: Because it matches his hair, which sucks.
#daddy issues
...And by model she means pole dancer.
YOU'RE THE MOST INSECURE PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN!
That dress looks like a carnation blew up!
Where did her country accent come from? She's from Brooklyn.
Annnnnd Resort Wear 2010.
He's just terrible.
Good hair attracts good hair. She needs to take her locks of love and run.
Who from ABC brought her all those magazines to use for her scrapbook?
Thanks for that close-up of the homeless cat.
Stop crying, you have an entire harem waiting for you.
She doesn't need to get married, she needs a therapist.
She's damaged goods, I'm over it.
Why is she playing with his pinkie?
He just said, "Do you want my mouth closed or open?" I can't watch any further.