"big fat floppy boobs"

Just when I was feeling good about the state of women's body image and self confidence, THIS happens. Did you hear? Apparently Kate Upton is fat. That's right, fat. I believe the exact quote was "fat and vulgar." Pro-anexeria website, SkinnyGossip blasts the 20 yr old model for flaunting her "huge thighs, NO waist and big, fat, floppy boobs"during a recent bikini-clad appearance on the runway. Isn't it the American dream to have BIG, fat, floppy boobs? Basically every breathing male would answer a firm YES. The website continues in ignorance by adding, "Yes, the lovely Kate Upton, confidently lumbering up a runway like there's a buffet at the end of it."  

Seriously? My level of anger only grew as I read more of the blog post, if you can even call it that. SkinnyGossip went on to blast Upton for being "lazy and lardy," asking us, "Have we gotten so fat in this country that Kate is the best we can aim for?" I skimmed the rest of the content, shuddering as Kate was compared to a "fat adolescent who needs to lay off the burgers" and a "pregnant girl without shape wear." 

Obviously the genius behind SkinnyGossip keeps herself anonymous, but even she was shocked when Kate herself read her crazy S. Her statement? "I'm not going to starve just to be thin. I want to enjoy life and I can't if I'm not eating and miserable." Amen, sister. I mean, COME ON, it's Kate Upton. She's been on the cover of Sports Illustrated AND GQ, all before turning 20. Most recently she took Paris Hilton's place as spokesperson for Carl's Jr. restaurants - starring in commercials where she is basically getting to third base with a cheeseburger. Her body is Ridiculous with a capital R and if THAT is fat, sign me up. 

The media and dopey guys put enough pressure on women to look a certain way, affecting our self confidence and how we feel in our own skin. We girls have to stick together and love our bodies, appreciating all shapes and sizes, working on being healthy and happy. We all love Kate because she actually HAS a body and more remarkably, a personality. So Ms. SkinnyGossip, keep on snacking on ice chips and that half crouton whilst writing ridiculousness against healthy, confident, beautiful women while your boyfriend drools over Kate Upton's big, fat, floppy boobs. 

Word.

Here's to you, Katie Holmes.

Ok, confession time: I have seen every episode of Dawson's Creek. Twice, maybe more. I realize that may shock some of you and for others, well your assumptions about me were just validated. Back before Netflix I owned most of the seasons and during college I would skip class, chapel and minor social events to watch Dawson be weird and Pacey be adorable with Joey, played by MS. Katie Holmes. Then she went and married Tom Cruise, easily the slimiest guy in Hollywood, and soon after he was jumping on couches and Katie was just looking sad. Like no make-up or morning coffee sad. I blamed first and foremost their faux marriage (I never bought that their union was based on love and sexual attraction) and maybe more importantly Scientology (an expensive, made-up religion, cue the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard). I honestly thought we had lost Katie forever until she proved herself to be a total boss and served Tom papers. Here are five specific reasons why Katie is a certified bad ass.

1. She is Suri's Mom.

She is adorable and has her own burn book - what's not to love? Katie lets her dress herself on the daily (thus the princess dresses, baby heels and an occasional tutu) and takes her everywhere. Katie also ensured that she is solely responsible for Suri's education, meaning no Scientology schools or cruises, and that she is not to be exposed to the church in any fashion. Sounds like a great mom to me.  

2. She used a disposable cellphone (hopefully Cricket) to communicate with her lawyers, family, etc.

I'm not sure if Katie watches too much CSI or Lifetime movies but girl covered her tracks. Supposedly a friend got it for her so her husband and his Scientologist minions wouldn't suspect she was planning her escape. 

3. She had already rehired her pre-Tom publicity team by the time she left her husband. 

So when Tom convinced Katie to marry him she had to let her old publicist, stylist, lawyers, PR everything go and hire Tom's people. I love that she said goodbye to their (his) staff before she even told him. 

4. She refused to say Scientology wasn't to blame for the break-up.

Talk about a well-written statement - the couple claimed in the settlement to "respect each other's commitment to each of their respective beliefs."

5. She isn't going into hibernation mode.

Like a true boss she took Suri out and about the day she filed for divorce and all the S hit the fan. She wasn't scared of the mentally unstable paparazzi or the unmarked cars full of Scientology leaders. She took her daughter to the zoo and looked fabulous doing so. 

xoxo

talk is overrated.

This first week of July in images, with minimal captions. 

You're welcome.

So NBC fired Ann Curry. I guess the sexual tension between her and Al Roker became too palpable.

 My office, a la chapter twelve.  

Take that, Scientology! Suri, you have a lot to write about in your burn book. 

"I love you but you don't know what you're talking about."

Grace on repeat. There is no excuse to not buy (and love) this album.    

Hot Chicken Festival for the 4th. God Bless America.

Lollapalooza scheduling is fun. 

xoxo

here's to you, Bonnaroo.

Another year, another Bonnaroo: the Manchester music festival's 11th run but the first for this girl. Why had I never been before? Timing mostly and a fear of the cliches: too hot, no shade, way too many people and not enough showers. Thanks to those fears and about a million suggestions from Bonnaroo veterans, my girls and I were basically prepared for the apocalypse. However, when we arrived on Thursday after the quick drive from Nashville, complete with an OJ Simpson-esque car chase, we were pleasantly surprised. No long lines or scorching heat! Just music. And lots of crazy outfits. Perfection. With 80,000 people in one place for four days you hear a lot - here are my favorites from the weekend.

"If you from the South, make some ------- noise!" 
- Ludacris' highly effective opening line.
Alright so I was just as perplexed as the next girl when I heard Luda Luda would be playing a set, and in a tent no doubt. Sure, Bonnaroo might not have been his target audience but people showed up, singing and dancing to all of his hits while he ran around like a crazy homeless man. Entertaining? Absolutely. Were the chicken and beer balloons and stripper pole necessary? Probably not. But it was Ludacris.

"I just want to go into this tent and scare some people." - Kenna

"Be careful, they might scare you back." - Chelsea

(They then walked past the tent and noticed a couple potentially conceiving a Bonnaroovian baby, if you will. Awkward.)

"It's because it's just so ----- sparkly." - tiny girl, hula hooping during the RubbleBucket's set.

Alright so after hearing a little Radiohead we headed to a baby tent to hear a funky band with the best props and crowd-surfing tuba-ist. Before their set this tiny girl was intensely hula hooping in the middle of said tent. As she got more crazy with it more people sat down and watched, including one gentleman who sat by us and struck up a conversation.
Guy: "Hey, what's your best trick on that thing?"
Hula: "I don't really know." (continues to hula, drops the hoop, then starts again)
Guy: "You know I don't want you to think I'm a creep because I keep staring at you hula hooping."
Hula: "It's because it's just so ---- ------ sparkly."

"I want to see everyone take off everything they have and put it in the air!" - Major Lazer
I am only one person but I did not see anyone take him up on his nudity offer.

"I feel a lot of love in the field." - Seth Avett, after errybody sang along to Murder in the City.

"He's just so cute I want to put him in my pocket!" - Kenna, referring to Trampled by Turtles front man, Dave Simmonett.

We all know my love for these boys, and let me tell you, they did not disappoint. We worked our way to front and center, ending up by a girl named Katie from Minnesota who had never heard their music, and after they completed their own sound check they play an incredible set full of favorites and a nice cover of "The Weight." They need a bigger tent next year, Bonnaroo.

"Hey, do you have time to cook my 'shrooms?" - Random dope to the "cooks" at a food truck.

"She pulled up in her Cadillac." - Me, noticing some of the older crowd pouring into the field for The Beach Boys.

"He has a few missed calls and two messages." - Chelsea, referring to the young man passed out in the sand in the middle of the Other Tent with his phone on his chest, totally oblivious to the massive crowd awaiting the show to start.

"Where are you staying tonight?"- Punch Brothers front man Chris Thile at Superjam ft. QuestLove.

Curiousity and a member of The Roots led us to this show, not knowing who would be the highly anticipated special guest. We weaved our way to a nice spot close-ish to the stage and incidentally next to the Punch Brothers and a bottle of wine. Chris started talking to us, asking about tennis and telling us that D'Angelo was in fact the special guest. (!!!) Lots more conversation and shenanigans and then it was time for this girl to peace out. I went to say bye to Chris and instead of a high five he basically picked me up with a bear hug and asked, "Where are you staying tonight? Why don't you come with me?" I laughed and left with my girls.

"I am getting Verizon the second we get back to civilization."
- Me, referring to AT&T's ridiculously bad service

"Does anybody know where that compound with the baby doll head is at?" - Kenna trying to find the "landmark" to lead us to our car and home to our cozy cabin.

Despite and in spite of it all I'm a fan. Bonnaroo won me over and I can't wait to see what next year brings! Maybe cotton candy and the return of Grace Potter? Until then.

xoxo

more dopes you shouldn't bother dating.

So the last post created quite the discussion - who knew we had dated so many dopes?! Tis' a blessing and a curse, buuuuut sharing and commiserating has proven to be both entertaining and educational. Thank you ladies, and gentlemen (yes, there was more than one male response), for sharing stories of the dopey ones you've had the (mis)fortune of dating, or simply eating an awkward dinner with once.

So with that being said, I bring you more dopes you shouldn't bother dating. 

Exhibit 1: The Momma's Boy

Knowing your man loves his mama is the mark of a true catch. Except when it's not. Sometimes the catch to that great catch? He hasn't quite cut the cord, meaning he goes to her before making major decisions - moving, changing jobs, choosing a significant other - and looks to her for validation. A healthy attachment is fine, but if Mom is picking out his underwear you better move on to the next one.

Exhibit 2: Mr. I'm Sexy and I Know It

You are not as "hot" as you think you are, trust me. I'm glad that you have a great face and a decent personality but come on, you have GOT to bring more to the table. There is a major difference between being confident and being narcissistic; proclaiming yourself as "sexy" or "hot" will ultimately get you nowhere. Red flag? When he likes his own Instagram photo. Good looks do not cover crazy.

Exhibit 3: Mr. High School
You know the dreamy Homecoming King Mr. School Spirit Class President? That was awesome, but HELLO, it's 2012 - it's been ten years and you're still stuck in a time warp of high school euphoria. Translation? You're at the local watering hole buying shots for current high school seniors on a Tuesday. A date with this dope consists solely of rehashing that game-winning touchdown that took their team to state whilst driving through the campus in his 2001 Mustang. Welcome Back Kotter? I'll pass.

Exhibit 4: Mr. Credit Card Just Got Declined....

...while buying ice cream at a Sounds game. Yes, this is a true story and one that has continued to haunt me since I heard it. In her own words, "if you can't afford ice cream then I do not want to see your credit score!" Amen. 

Exhibit 5: Mr. Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Who said you can't have your cake and eat it too? Well, everybody. This dope thinks he can have you, and the other girl and that one girl that he met that one time - all at the same time. As long as you can compartmentalize and be nice it's ok, right? This guy is arguably the worst simply because he cannot be trusted, no matter how convincing he may sound. To quote the Black Keys, "the look of the cake, it ain't always the taste."

Word. xoxo.

dopes you shouldn't bother dating

Just the other day I was eagerly awaiting Mr. Jack White to play a sold-out show at the Ryman. With my favorite and a beverage in hand I was a happy girl, however I kept noticing a couple near us and what a great time they were not having. She switched seats with him because he couldn't see very well. He made her hold his drink while he tink tinked on his phone up until the time the lights went out. He paid her little attention and her expression blatantly read, "Why am I here with this dope?" So in honor of THAT girl, and girls everywhere, I bring you dopes you shouldn't bother dating. 

Exhibit A: The Green Bean

We've all dated one, or three or four. You know, the guy who looks great enough on paper - nice smile, decent conversationalist, calls when he says he will - but, like green beans,  he's bland, the one you never crave but he's there and it's convenient. The green bean is nice enough but lacks all the umph! you're looking for in a man. Ditch him and find a strapping beau who sets your hair on fire with his general awesomeness.

Exhibit B: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

You don't have to be familiar with this piece of classic lit to grasp the reference. This guy is attractive, seemingly put together and well-mannered, but give him a few days and he turns into a man you do not know. An elegant mess. Is consistency too much to ask for? NO. If he can't consistently be his non-dopey, brilliant self that you love then what's the point of sticking around? A little Don Draper is charming but too much does not a healthy relationship make. 

Exhibit C: Mizz Thang

A borderline homosexual, this guy is hilarious but his self-proclaimed "metrosexualness" is exhausting. This dope seems fairly manly at first but then his little quirks start their midnight creep quicker than one would assume. He uses product in his hair. He is proud to tell you all about the product he uses in his hair. He frequently refers to you as "the bestest." He cares more about the Miss America Pagent talent portion than you do and dvr's Gossip Girl. 

Exhibit D: Mr. Hunger Games. 

When he cares to be around the outdoors more than you and is not a tribute? That is a problem. Arguably most perplexing of all the dopes, this guy prefers to roam about like a nomad and practically live in the woods to staying still long enough to get to know a female. While he appreciates the species he finds himself quite content not being at all attached to a woman, spending all of his time proving just how manly he is. The sad part is the only ones paying any kind of attention are his man friends. Too much testosterone and not enough heart. 

Exhibit E: Mr. Long Distance

Great, you live 3,000 miles away and yes, you miss me and want to see me but you don't want to actually make the trip. You just want to talk about it. Talking is nice but you should really stop with all the talk and make it happen. You make time for the people you want to make time for; it really is that simple. Action is character. No action is lame.  

As for me, I'm sticking to my SEC haircut, polo wearing, well-read gentleman type. A guy who is just as obsessed with music as I am, who finds my inability to add and subtract endearing and doesn't get bent out of shape when I can't properly pour frozen beverages from a pitcher. 

xoxo.

lunch with Tupac.

I teach 8th grade English in a very, ahem, urban school. Little to no parental support + raging hormones + a diet consisting solely of Hot Cheetos = my typical student. 78 awkward adolescences. They don't particularly like school; they much rather be "shopping" at the mall while watching J Cole videos on YouTube on their phones. You can imagine how difficult it is to get them to even pretend to be interested in reading and/or writing. Opposition and disinterest only make me all the more determined, so yes, I basically do a song and dance routine on the daily in attempt to somehow grab their attention and then, an even bigger feat, keep it.

Last week I bridged the gap between teacher and student, what they know and I what I know. I educated them on Coachella, and then showed them the Tupac hologram. They sat in amazed silence. They clapped when the hologram disappeared. They asked analytical questions about how holograms are designed. Knowing Tupac gave me about a million cool points and sparked a little creative writing. Believe. xoxo.