Passing the Bar.

Saturday night I went for drinks with some of my favorite girls. A rarity in many cases since we’re usually too busy being with boring people or out of town; neither an excuse but both valid cases. We found a table in the middle of it all and started gushing about recent love affairs, how to avoid a stage five clinger in a wheelchair and well, everything we were ahem, blessed to be witnessing. Classy girls don’t kiss in bars but apparently they do buy a table of inattentive guys a round while traipsing around in ripped tights. Here’s the good and bad of what to do, and more importantly not do, while out at a hip establishment on a Saturday night.

Never buy a man a drink

Never wear ripped clothing – tights are the worse! - unless you're on Skins

Never wear snakeskin

Only get felt up if you're in a tutu - if you're wearing a tutu you're asking for it

Never poll friends you don't know

Do scale everything in conversation on a level of 1-Bon Jovi - you don't want to set standards too high

No hoodies unless you just got off work at Lulu Lemon or your significant other is a Def Jam recording artist

Totally act bored if a guy with chest hair freely flowing from his too-deep V neck keeps talking 

Always let them come to you

Dear B: Is She Serious?

Hi B,

I am so confused. I don't usually read blogs (other than your's) but I read this one by accident, of course, and now I'm starting to question every female over the age of 29.

Actual Blog Excerpt:
"I feel weird in one way (there are like 10) because I emailed an old friend the other day.  He's such a Houdini (I am starting that, it's going to be all over the place - it means the kind of man who DISAPPEARS all the f*cking time for no reason).  We are friends - friends who have made out.  But we've both dated other people - I don't know. And he can do the BEST impression of Chewbacca.  Also, once we were all watching football with my friends when he visited me in Atlanta and some of my dicky guy friends were like - "eat this wing, it's so hot, it's the hottest wing ever" and he said, "awe no, I can't..." then grabbed the hell out of that wing and ate ALL THE HOTTEST ONES then taunted the guys - seriously, I don't know when I've been more turned on.  I wanted to rip off my "Go Gators" t-shirt in the middle of the sports bar.  Still - what an impressive moment...sexy. Is it strange I find that sexy?  Would most gals agree?  A man eating hot wings like that - God, it was so MANLY and WEIRD!  It makes me melt thinking about it.  "You had me at 'screw yal bring me MORE of your p**** wings'" - ah."

How much should one divulge in terms of what "turns them on" and how do you stay classy while still speaking the truth?

Mazel tov,
K****


Dear Republican Liz Lemon,

Kudos for not losing faith in the World Wide Web completely after reading that "blog post" - assuming you were sober I'm sure that was a hardship you weren't expecting to bear on a weekday.

I do applaud this "blogger" on her ability to censor herself, although classy she is not. No one wants to know what turns you on if what turns you on is a man "eating hot wings like that." But hello, you didn't even address the biggest question here - WHY does this woman own (and publicly wear) a "Go Gators" t-shirt? I'm not even going to address the Chewbacca impression since this guys sounds like a real catch.

My advice to you is to never ever ever ever read what homeslice puts out there, that is unless you are looking for terrible relationship ponderings and unwarranted cat references.

xoxo,
Katie