Desperately Seeking Attention: Guys Who Love Checking In, Taking Selfies and Yes, Poking.

Charming personality, winning sense of humor, spontaneous, and attractive in a Jon Hamm way but doesn't know it – these are my must-haves in a potential boyfriend. Not that I'm the Yoda of dating and modern relationships but I have dated the whole gamut in my 26 years, i.e. A preacher's son, an atheist, Satan with an SEC haircut, the guy who sells Christmas trees at Home Depot and the guy with a trust fund who I affectionately refer to as Vacay Cam. What do all of these dopes have in common? They love to tell you all about every major and minor activity they're apart of, pictures and ridiculous hash tags included. Lucky me, right? 

Here are some of the odd, unnecessary and sometimes down carny cray social media behaviors of guys everywhere that drive us crazy…and not in the warm and fuzzy I-want-to-jump-you way. Feel free to relate. 

Checking In Everywhere.

I don't need to know when and where you eat every meal and who you take with you. Guys only check-in and tweet their exact location for one of two reasons: they want to impress a girl or they want to make a girl jealous. Both are bad. Guys, if you want to impress a girl try taking her out on a date and having conversation while making her laugh. Occasionally throw in a word or two about your career goals and/or your five-year plan and you're golden. Note: Ambition is attractive. On the other hand, guys often broadcast where they are and who's with them in a thinly-veiled attempt to make a current or ex lady-friend jealous or better, realize what a good time they're having with someone else. Those guys are the worst.  

Taking Selfies.

In the car whilst "driving." In line to get into "the most dope show EVER." At the gym about to “hit it.” I'm sorry, but when did it become socially acceptable for a grown ass man to spend 3-5 minutes taking a picture of himself doing nothing spectacular at just the right angle then applying the best filter for his skin tone and mood? I have total respect for most men until I see the dreaded picture of them posing with their sunglasses on, attempting to look serious while doing what I can only compare to pouting and then adding a #bored, #workhardplayhard or my favorite, #you'rewelcome. Ladies, if a guy is taking a picture of himself his non-existent self-confidence is mixing with his narcissistic tendencies to create one tool bag of a man. Steer clear until he sees the error of his ways. 

Poking and Other Unacceptable Ways of Saying Hello.

True story: I still get "poked" 2-3 times a week by two different guys who feel like we're on the friend level since we attended the same university eight years ago. Nice try. I don't recall ever having a conversation with either of them of substance and needless to say I find the poking to be just as awkward as when it was first introduced and somewhat acceptable. Have I ever returned the sentiment? Never. Come on guys, social cues. Sure, we joke about guys not having a clue and sometimes needing to hear us spell it out, but they aren't completely inept. No (normal) female sees such behavior and thinks, "Wow, he knows what's up. I have to have him now." 

My final piece of advice? Girls, since we run the world, feel free to be the beacon of truth to the guy or guys in your life. Preach the good message that to be seen like a man they shouldn't post everyday like a needy girl or my bored mother who just discovered “The Twitter.” Instead, post with discretion and always with humor in mind when you feel like it. Then unplug. Besides, a little mystery goes a long way. 

xoxo,

B

All I'm Saying Is, Put Down Your iPhone. You Deserve a Real Date.

I grew up watching black and white romantic classics with my grandmother – think Roman Holiday and From Here to Eternity. While this did solidify my obsession with Audrey Hepburn and teach me the value of a perfectly tailored dress, it also left me with unbelievably high expectations of meeting someone new and subsequently, the first date. We should meet somewhere adorably unexpected – a coffee shop, on a business trip, at the park – then he would take charge and plan our night – picnic, dinner for two at a new place, hot air balloon ride because he knows a guy – where we will inevitably discover random common interests. 

The reality? Your friend from work/church/yoga knows a guy who is "perfect for you" because he's "super funny"so she has him look you up on Facebook. There's no candlelight, only the illumination from your iPhone as you read the short, vague message from Mr. Breezy. He asks for your number and you send it, under the pretense that he'll call and there will be no more typing. He texts and asks you for coffee/drinks/to watch basketball at his place and you're supposed to what…swoon?

It's 2013. I get it. I love my Apple products just as much as the next twenty-something and you don't even want to hear about the time I thought I had lost my iPhone to a carny cray's water spill at Bonnaroo. Google, Facebook, Twitter and yes, Linked In, are excellent tools to make sure your prospective date isn't married/a serial killer/repulsive, BUT you have to stop there. Investing too much time in analyzing someone's online persona is guaranteed to mess with whatever might develop when you actually spend time with that person. You start to rule him out because of what, he wore a man tank in 2004? 

Whatever happened to sitting across from someone and hearing firsthand where they work, what music they're into, where they went to college and where they ate amazing mexican last night! The eye gaze, the body language, the chemistry! I propose that we step away from the crutch that is social media and date the old-fashioned way called conversation. Besides, getting to know someone new and the anticipation you feel shoot out your fingers and toes is what it's all about, right? 

XOXO,

B

COMMENTARY FROM THREE EDUCATED WOMEN DURING THE BACHELOR FINALE.

Chris Harrison is basically Bieber's stepdad.

Does Sean "no eyebrows" Lowe own shoes?

Do you think he has a belly button?

His v-neck was sprayed on, obviously.

Say note again. NOTE.

Give a rose to Sean's dad.

Her voice makes me want to vomit this gluten-free cookie up.

She sounds like an 8 year old with a sinus infection.

Can you have HIS hand in marriage? Not so funny when he doesn't pick you.

I think he dyes his hair.

He looks like a horrible Hollister ad right now.

THAT MAN TANK. I cannot.

No, you did not decide to float down that river, ABC did...they also gave you a geography and history lesson on Thailand before filming.

What if Biden and Chris Harrison switched gigs?

Unfortunately we all remeber your first kiss on the stairs.

Is she old enough to drink?

If I didn't like our awesome TV so much I would chunk this at his face.

Look! It's Mulan.

Notice they didn't show her getting up on the elephant.

XOXO-B

Sunday Prayers with B.

Today, just a few hours before the Grammys, we come together to pray for Kanye, Kim, their unborn child, the entire country of Brazil and mankind in general.

Let this be a lesson to us all.

xoxo-B

february love.

So it's February. The month of LOVE. The month of Beyonce, apparently. Ooh and the Grammys and then the Oscars. The shortest month of the year with the biggest heart. Yep, I went there. Why? Because I love all the cheesy odes to love. I appreciate that Americans buy pounds of the candy hearts that shouldn't be edible. I love that first graders (and me) pick out just the perfect Hello Kitty valentine for their chosen besties. 

I don't get the 87% of you that trapse around all month like "blah blah blah, I'm cold and I hate couples" and/or "blah blah blah, I wish my boyfriend was hot" and so on and so on. First of all, no, I am not dating Ryan Gosling but at least I can sleep well knowing that he is not with a girl he's with Eva Mendes. Don't settle for a fool but do flirt, flash your best "let's mix it up, maybe?" eyes and throw the (attractive, nerdy) guys a bone. Have some fun. Love is fun. 

You're tired of the winter drab? Move to the South. It's currently sunny and 64 which I realize isn't a heatwave but it's far better than Minnesota. Also, don't be afraid to let your wardrobe get a little gloomy, ie. Black on black on black is always chic, but do throw a little color in there when you feel so inclined. In case you've forgotten, other colors other than black include: teal, fuscia, white, green, gray and glitter.

If you're still not feeling the love, go find your best friend and just hug the mess out of them. I can promise that they will either hug you back and you'll both get all Hallmark or they'll clam up and you'll both get awkward and laugh for 10 minutes. Both options have awesome outcomes and you'll be that much closer to a better relationship with your home fry and Cupid himself. 

Love you all. Mean it.

XOXO-B

Dating scares me.

This is an actual Facebook message my fabulously put together and well educated friend received from a guy she went to high school with. Yes, she's from a small town and no, she didn't remember this young man in the slightest. 

Hey girl.. How are ya? How long has it been? What's keeping you busy ? 
I enjoyed your profile picture. I can tell see you've tak'n go care of yourself. 
Maybe sometime we can get together. I'd like to taKe you out sometime. 
If your dating someone i need to apologize but if not I'm looking forward to hearing from ya. 
*******

Since receipt of this "love note" she has stayed away from all forms of social media and dating in general.  

I ask you, where have all the JFK Jr.'s gone?

XOXO,
B

Dear B: Naughty or Nice?

Dear B,

My frienenemy wants to know if she'll get presents this year for Christmas or actual coal. I told her I wouldn't tell anybody but since my therapist is already on vacay and you're basically the Bible I feel okay getting your advice. She's had two borderline-crazy boyfriends, an ex fiance and made out with a slightly famous country singer's brother…all in the past year or so. Besides eating Krystal's for lunch one day and wearing the same Patagonia on the daily she's been pretty nice. Does that cover her naughty-ness of year's past? Should I have her go ask a mall Santa just as a precaution? 

SOS, 

C******

Dear Nanny o' the Year,

First of all, you can tell your "friend" that she needs to CALM DOWN. We've all been a little naughty and Santa usually shows, aka no big deal! I would advise her to read something, anything really, to get educated and stop dating and/or mixing it up with the likes of those hot messes. I dare say match.com would supply a better dating roster for her to choose from, but honestly if she keeps eating Krystal's her not-dating will take care of itself. Sorry but I'm not sorry. 

Oh, and as if I have to tell you to tell her but I will:whatever you do don't go sit on a mall Santa's lap. Everyone knows the real Santa is way too busy this time of year to be sitting outside of a BCBG listening to you confess your sins of late just in time for him to pack up his sleigh. 

Also, since she sounds like the type to go to a party full of her old high school buddies and get completely toasted from one too many cups of spiked eggnog, tell her I said NO. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah,

B

get KIND.

My heart hurts too much to not say anything.

Our country is sad. President Obama not only fought back tears through two press conferences but quoted Scripture, more than once, while we all prayed for Newtown, CT. 

For the past two years I taught eighth grade, and I remember complaining through the many lock down drills, huffing and puffing since my kids would always go cray during any sort of drill. Some of my best friends were teachers, are teachers. My mom is a teacher. This senseless act of evil has made us rethink the ideal of what, and where, is safe. Parents and nannies everywhere are holding their babies tighter and playing princess and ninjas a little bit longer, regardless of runny noses or schedules. 

I'm ready for this country to get it together. Isn't it time that we love? 

My girl Ann Curry has challenged the nation to do a random act of kindness for each life taken – 26 total. I've watched as hundreds of responses have poured in these past few days, stories of people helping people, showing kindness to someone they've never met. A man from Wyoming bought breakfast for a family sleeping in the parking lot and let a gift card for food to help the rest of the week. A mom from Georgia put $50 on a random family's layaway at Wal-Mart. An 11 yr. old from DC made cookies for her teacher. I've challenged myself and I challenge you to get kind through random acts of kindness and compassion. Let's get creative and get busy– it is Christmas, after all. 

And don't lose heart; love is greater than this. Let's get kind.

xoxo-B

Passing the Bar.

Saturday night I went for drinks with some of my favorite girls. A rarity in many cases since we’re usually too busy being with boring people or out of town; neither an excuse but both valid cases. We found a table in the middle of it all and started gushing about recent love affairs, how to avoid a stage five clinger in a wheelchair and well, everything we were ahem, blessed to be witnessing. Classy girls don’t kiss in bars but apparently they do buy a table of inattentive guys a round while traipsing around in ripped tights. Here’s the good and bad of what to do, and more importantly not do, while out at a hip establishment on a Saturday night.

Never buy a man a drink

Never wear ripped clothing – tights are the worse! - unless you're on Skins

Never wear snakeskin

Only get felt up if you're in a tutu - if you're wearing a tutu you're asking for it

Never poll friends you don't know

Do scale everything in conversation on a level of 1-Bon Jovi - you don't want to set standards too high

No hoodies unless you just got off work at Lulu Lemon or your significant other is a Def Jam recording artist

Totally act bored if a guy with chest hair freely flowing from his too-deep V neck keeps talking 

Always let them come to you

777, See You Never.

It's no secret I'm a closeted Rihanna admirer, despite the fact that she is not so secretly still in love with the criminal cray himself, Chris Brown. So to promote her new album, Unapologetic, BadGirlRiRi embarked on a trip completely planned by DefJam staff in hopes of gaining some good PR....the 777 tour. 7 shows in 7 countries in yep, you guessed it, 7 days. Catchy, I'll give her team that but HELLO, might want to make sure the main act is up for the challenge before putting 250 uber-fans and quote-hungry journalists on a private jet. It started sweet enough, Rihanna welcoming the lucky ones while wearing her "crunk shades" and pouring "presidential cognac" freely while while walking the aisles of the jet. 

Everyone was flying around Europe together with 70 bottles of champagne and top-notch amenities but not enough time to see much of the cities or fabulous hotels, and no sign of Rihanna herself. Turns out, fans and journalists only saw her onstage, performing the same set with the same chatter in between. Poor Peter Rosenthal from Rolling Stone likened the experience to Groundhog Day, siting lack of sleep and lack of much of anything from Rihanna. Thankfully everyone made it safely back to NYC just in time for Thanksgiving but no one is left feeling all warm and fuzzy. RiRi issued an apology today but I think it's safe to say the damage is done. So what have we learned here? Don't agree to a press junket world tour in a week's time if you don't want to do press, and always ask yourself, what would Jay-Z do?

p.s. Of course I'm still bitter I wasn't there for any of the aforementioned shenanigans. Also, don't eat carbs today, you'll thank me tomorrow.

xoxo-B

Dear B: Should I Buy TSwift's New Album?

Hi B,

So Taylor Swift's new album dropped at midnight last night and I really wanted to stay up and buy it but I fell asleep watching a Real Housewives reunion. Everyone is going on and on about how awesome it is but then again, she kind of drives me crazy. So should I buy it or just read all the Facebook posts about it?

Dear Indecisive Psycho,

Please tell me you stayed up last night because you had taken too many naps that day and really enjoy watching catty, middle-aged women quarrel at expensive parties. Sure, I can understand that. We've all been there. Just please don't tell me you planned on skipping the beauty sleep to legally download new "music" from Swifty… let's at least pretend to have some semblance of a life.  

Now look, Tay Tay is not my favorite, although in all honesty it's a hate/tolerate relationship with that not-so wild one. I HATE her voice. I TOLERATE her bangs. I HATE her recent obsession with an underage Kennedy and how coincidentally she has started dressing more Jackie O-ish. I TOLERATE her enthusiasm for snagging a Kennedy, I mean come on, who wouldn't want kids with that hair? I HATE her "You mean I really won this award? Again?! This is such a surprise!" face. I TOLERATE her "You cheated on me so now I will ruin your life while being more successful than you" lyrics. 

So yes, buy her album. Ignore that it's named after a color. I give you my blessing.

XOXO

here's something to talk about.

Conversations about relationships keep me young. Whether it's overhearing two friends recovering from a tiff over something ridiculous or listening to your friend's reaction to your close-to-perfect first date, conversations centered around relationships are never dull. Relationships get sticky, communication bobs and weaves and how do we deal? We talk about it. On any given day I hear equal parts genius and "OH BROTHER" advice/musings - not sure which is more educational but believe me, both are entertaining. Here are a few of my favorites from this week (and it's only Thursday).

He's not crazy. Well he's 'Norman Bates have your dead mom in a rocking chair crazy' but he seems harmless. He's not over dramatic crazy. - my favorite and your's, Peter Depp, @peterdepp

Girl, discussing her ex of six months: Yeah, we were together a long time but I gave him back all of his stuff and got rid of most everything that he gave me.

Me: I don't blame you, that helps. Good for you!

Girl: Well yeah but I still make my bed every morning and place those two matching teddy bears he gave me in the middle. I mean, that's where they live.

Let's all promise to never ever be embarrassed of feelings but also shutting the f&ck up more! - Sophia Rossi, @sofifii 

I'm so underwhelmed by guys right now. The only male getting me off the couch and into skinny jeans and makeup is Timothy Tebow himself. - O' Canada's Alli Kearns

Girl at lunch #1: He's holding my Bible and pearls hostage.

Girl at lunch #2: Why can't he just drop it off?

Girl at lunch #1: Because that would make perfect sense and he never makes perfect sense.

Girl at lunch #3: Those are like the two classiest things he could have of your's.

Girl at lunch #2: Sounds like a self-help book, "Pearls and a Bible."

Girl at lunch #4: Or a bad country song sung by Reba. 

Stay away from him, he has the sense of humor of a snail. - THE Kenna Rowe, @SKennysays

Woman at new mexican place: I just adore that shirt on you.
Her date, easily twenty years her senior: You.
Woman: So tell me about your day, I want to hear everything, of course. Oh and did I tell you? I have a pool.
Her date: (sips brandy) Strong.

I hope you don't mind but I told her as soon as she got in the car! I just couldn't help it, when she asked about you I word-vommitted in excitement! - my life coach and awesome friend, Beth Seeley

What have we learned today? Communication is always good, even when it isn't, and being funny covers a multitude of sins. XOXO.

this too shall pass, right?

Once upon a time there was a fair-haired girl who fell in love with an (emotionally) available guy with perfect hair and they lived happily ever after. Nope, that wasn't me, but it sounds nice, right? No no, I, like many others, in times recent have happened upon the road more often traveled...girl falls in something resembling love with the guy with perfect hair at the wrong time and under heavy circumstances. I blame my blind optimism...don't you?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've all been there at one time or another. He broke your heart, she left you for some other dope. He couldn't see himself marrying her, she couldn't trust him. So what do you do when it's done? How do you get happy despite the crickets between the two of you? Well, take 24-48 hours, cry if you'd like, get the favorite food of your choice and indulge. Let yourself go. Then, get up and focus. Now I am by no means an expert, but I am a quick study and always appreciate a good list. So here are some "DO's" and "DON'Ts" of the humble beginnings of moving past that relationship.

DON'T listen to sad/sentimental music. For me, this includes, but is not limited to, the following: The Avett Brothers, Trampled by Turtles, Adele (in my opinion, no one should be listening to Adele unless actively taking Zoloft), or the first half of the White Stripes' Under Great White Northern Lights. Also, by no means should you listen to Mumford & Sons, unless you want a good cry, then by all means, skip the mascara and put "white blank page" on repeat.

DO keep busy, preferably with activities of a positive nature that do not lead to drunk texting. Keep busy, whether that means cleaning, cooking, baking, being nice, spending loads of money on stuff you don't need, writing a letter, writing a blog or becoming your very own Taylor Swift.

DON'T be an emotional cutter. You know what I'm talking about. Reading old texts. Looking at pictures of the two of you when you were laughing hysterically about something that was way funny at the time. Checking up on him or her via social media, agonizing over meaningless/ridiculous check-ins and retweets. Side note: Please spare us your thinly veiled posts because trust me, errrbody knows what and who you're talking about when you write those "emotional" phrases. #absurd

DON'T get a haircut. I cannot tell you how many girls (and guys) I have seen make this tragic mistake. Go into the salon whilst stressed over a relationship and you'll most likely leave looking like Nick Nolte.

DO sleep. If you can't, take something. Melatonin is a favorite in my circle. Bloodshot eyes are not flattering and only cause friends and co-workers to stare at you awkwardly and then ask questions like "Rough night?" or "Feeling okay there, Champ?" If you do find yourself in that position, don't roll your eyes and yell profanities at them like you may want to...just smile and drink your coffee.

DON'T eat (a lot of) bad food. You may be heartbroken but eating that #5 with cheese and large fries at 1 am will only hurt your heart and hurl you in the running for the next season of "The Biggest Loser." Love the show, don't want to be the show. Eat good food and treat yourself to chocolate. And wine. Those two, in moderation, tend to help everything.

DON'T underestimate the power of your friends. You best keep the people that love you the most closest to you, not just for your benefit, but for them, too! They need to be able to get out their rants of that relationship, because chances are, they have them and need to get it out just as much as you. Go out, stay in, go somewhere new or go to that one place with that thing you like, again. Friends make you laugh and remind you that you are in fact pretty awesome.

DO treat yo'self. Go shopping. See a movie. Get your nails did. Finally cash in on that massage you got last birthday. Watch the game with your pants off. Call in sick and just do nothing.

And now, I leave you with some wise words from Mimi, my grandmother who thought she knew everything...and she probably did.

"This too shall pass, and at least you're pretty!"

XOXO