Trick's Got Treats.

I have always loved Halloween, mainly because I welcome any excuse to tease the hair and wear some sort of festively creative get-up, typically involving glitter and lash extensions. The candy consumption and staggeringly high number of girls and boys in some sort of lycra bodysuit are enough to scare me into early menopause, but still, I welcome the black candles and sweet little trick-or-treaters. Still looking for a costume idea? That sucks. I will help, however, by telling you ideas that are guaranteed to not get you laid good candy:

A pumpkin (rotund is not slimming)

Taylor Swift

Anything involving wearing a box

Anything involving wearing a sheet with holes for eyes

A Snuggie

A sexy nurse, cop, cheerleader or maid...puuulease, evolve!

A urinal

A pimp OR a prostitue (cue Jack)

Anything so complicated that it takes a ten-minute explanation before someone politely runs away

High School Paul Ryan (Homecoming King, 1987)

Any representation of a bird

xoxo-B

Kanye/Kim 2012.

Not to get political with you (again) but election season is HERE.
Overachievers have already voted and put a picture of their American flag sticker on Instagram. #nofilter
Most all conversations with anyone somehow come around to which character was the least dopey in the last debate, Paul Ryan's hair and how PBS without Big Bird will suck. So friends and loved ones, by all means be a good American and vote, but please, let's change the conversation. Especially if you're trying to be charming/fun. Nobody wants to be an Ann Coulter.  

Here are some acceptable, un-presidental points of discussion:

Halloween Costumes

Trust falls

Honey Boo Boo's Future

If Beyonce ever gets nervous

Why you continue to watch Nashville

Should you have a baby

Should you get a dog

Why you haven't been asked to be on Girls, yet

Bath Salts

Ryan Gosling

Going gluten-free 

China

In the words of Kanye, I'm just trying to change the color on your mood ring. Go vote.

XOXO

B

s*** my (totally sober) co-worker says.

I love where I work. It's great. Nice place, funny people, plenty of fancy pens, no mean kids yelling at me while eating hot cheettos and I am free to use the bathroom anytime I want. YES. So all day every day I'm working along, making it all happen, and then my twenty-something, non-intern, totally sober co-worker speaks. Instead of explaining the comedic value of statements made on any given day I've recorded several "treats" for you to appreciate and ponder how many black cats bit said co-worker during childhood. 

"I've had my dancing days, like I've always wanted to be a Rockette."

"Why did I win tickets to that Gavin DeGraw concert? Because I'm always on Facebook, but never my personal page, no."

"I kinda want to do a back handspring but there's not enough floor space."

"I'm the reason we have to sign a waiver before department outings."

"Last year I dressed as the Twitter Fail Whale for Halloween-at-work-day and squirted everyone with a water gun."

To another co-worker: "Happy Parenthood Day! (awkward silence) I just saw your Facebook conversation with _____ about it!"

"I love Kelly Clarkson."

"Yes, I watched all seven season of "One Tree Hill" in two weeks." 

"Why didn't I send in a tape for 'The Bachelor?' I am cuter than all of those girls."

***Disclaimer: I do believe said co-worker means well and maybe one day will realize the error of the aforementioned ways... so as my mother would say, Bless!

Go register to vote. Now. XOXO