You're Not Jesus, Chris Brown.

I mean, let's give Chris Brown some credit. At least he's starting to fight men. 

But Frank Ocean, really? Whatever happened in that parking lot was so traumatic that it drove Mr. Brown to get religious. He instagrammed that he was trying to focus on his work, "not negativity," before posting a drawing of Jesus on the cross with the caption: "Painting the way I feel today." Ummm...not okay. In the words of fellow Instagrammer thrillho_ "you're not Jesus, you're a party clown." 

So in light of these recent transgressions, I have put together a list for Rihanna's publicist of potential CB replacements:

Frank Ocean

Mikky Ekko

Donald Glover

Bruno Mars

Lance Armstrong 

Bradley Cooper

That guy from the Lumineers

Harry Styles

Bill Hader 

Adam Levine

Lebron

Zac Efron

xoxo-B

Dating scares me.

This is an actual Facebook message my fabulously put together and well educated friend received from a guy she went to high school with. Yes, she's from a small town and no, she didn't remember this young man in the slightest. 

Hey girl.. How are ya? How long has it been? What's keeping you busy ? 
I enjoyed your profile picture. I can tell see you've tak'n go care of yourself. 
Maybe sometime we can get together. I'd like to taKe you out sometime. 
If your dating someone i need to apologize but if not I'm looking forward to hearing from ya. 
*******

Since receipt of this "love note" she has stayed away from all forms of social media and dating in general.  

I ask you, where have all the JFK Jr.'s gone?

XOXO,
B

Monday Prayers with B.

I don't know what you did this weekend but amongst attending a wine-fueled winter bonfire and OCD-ly putting away everything that resembled Christmas at 903 I refocused my life. That's right, I made some resolutions that more so resembled goals in list form. Every honest (breathing) person resolves to lose weight. Or quit ______. Or start ______. I think it's fantastic, everybody becoming all productive and resolving to do such or such, but truth: vague goals are impossible to achieve.

So while I will not share with you all of my super specific thoughts, I will be ever so unconventional and show you some of the things I plan on steering clear of this year. Feel free to follow suit.

1. Cray Crays from 2012
2. Food dyes and refined sugars, oh and excessive amounts of gluten
3. People who post lots of "selfies"
4. Using the word "selfie"
5. Using any of the following excuses for not going to the gym:
      "It's cold"
      "I'm hungry."
      "I worked ALL day."
      "I'll go in the morning." (Disclosure: I never go in the morning.)
6. Insecurities ------ they're unnecessary, people!
7. Guys who don't have real jobs and think that's OKAY
8. Jets after 10
9. Brentwood Chiropractic
10. Emotional robots that pose as real people

This prayer is for all of us who are resolving/planning/goal-ing to succeed in becoming better versions of ourselves this year. Let's get to it.

xoxo - B

Merry Ex-Mas.

Ah, Christmas. The one holiday where it is totally acceptable to contact an ex since you can easily blame it on the spiked eggnog/cider/cocktail. Between Dec 1 and Jan 1 is prime time for rekindling old flames. Who has the energy to fix your hair and put on real clothes to impress a new one? And hey, if a celebrity supports such behavior then we the people can do so, too....right?

Katy Perry contacted her ex and he arrived in full Santa attire, hat included. Does this make it official? Who knows, who cares. Let's just hope John sang Santa Baby in leui of that Wonderland "song."

Happy holidays, everybody. Here's to five more days of drinking Coke and eating complex carbohydrates.

xoxo-B

Dear B: Naughty or Nice?

Dear B,

My frienenemy wants to know if she'll get presents this year for Christmas or actual coal. I told her I wouldn't tell anybody but since my therapist is already on vacay and you're basically the Bible I feel okay getting your advice. She's had two borderline-crazy boyfriends, an ex fiance and made out with a slightly famous country singer's brother…all in the past year or so. Besides eating Krystal's for lunch one day and wearing the same Patagonia on the daily she's been pretty nice. Does that cover her naughty-ness of year's past? Should I have her go ask a mall Santa just as a precaution? 

SOS, 

C******

Dear Nanny o' the Year,

First of all, you can tell your "friend" that she needs to CALM DOWN. We've all been a little naughty and Santa usually shows, aka no big deal! I would advise her to read something, anything really, to get educated and stop dating and/or mixing it up with the likes of those hot messes. I dare say match.com would supply a better dating roster for her to choose from, but honestly if she keeps eating Krystal's her not-dating will take care of itself. Sorry but I'm not sorry. 

Oh, and as if I have to tell you to tell her but I will:whatever you do don't go sit on a mall Santa's lap. Everyone knows the real Santa is way too busy this time of year to be sitting outside of a BCBG listening to you confess your sins of late just in time for him to pack up his sleigh. 

Also, since she sounds like the type to go to a party full of her old high school buddies and get completely toasted from one too many cups of spiked eggnog, tell her I said NO. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah,

B

get KIND.

My heart hurts too much to not say anything.

Our country is sad. President Obama not only fought back tears through two press conferences but quoted Scripture, more than once, while we all prayed for Newtown, CT. 

For the past two years I taught eighth grade, and I remember complaining through the many lock down drills, huffing and puffing since my kids would always go cray during any sort of drill. Some of my best friends were teachers, are teachers. My mom is a teacher. This senseless act of evil has made us rethink the ideal of what, and where, is safe. Parents and nannies everywhere are holding their babies tighter and playing princess and ninjas a little bit longer, regardless of runny noses or schedules. 

I'm ready for this country to get it together. Isn't it time that we love? 

My girl Ann Curry has challenged the nation to do a random act of kindness for each life taken – 26 total. I've watched as hundreds of responses have poured in these past few days, stories of people helping people, showing kindness to someone they've never met. A man from Wyoming bought breakfast for a family sleeping in the parking lot and let a gift card for food to help the rest of the week. A mom from Georgia put $50 on a random family's layaway at Wal-Mart. An 11 yr. old from DC made cookies for her teacher. I've challenged myself and I challenge you to get kind through random acts of kindness and compassion. Let's get creative and get busy– it is Christmas, after all. 

And don't lose heart; love is greater than this. Let's get kind.

xoxo-B

B's Guide to Holiday Parties.

Ah, holiday season is here again: the time of perpetual joy and too many parties thrown to celebrate sugar sweats and an obese, albiet lovable, hologram with a white beard. Now I love Christmas, so much in fact that I have committed to an exhausting number of holiday get-togethers, and yes, my chiropractor is concerned. As you can see, getting social this time of year is not for the faint of heart, aka you need an action plan. Here are the Do's and Don'ts I'll be using to help get me through the next twelve days of holiday schoomozing and socializing. 

Do: Smokey eye, nude lip and hair that has been brushed.

Don't: Glitter dresses, glitter belts, or anything in the sequin family...unless you just look awesome.

Do: Has showing a little leg ever been out of style? Show some leg; tights optional, heels preferred. 

Don't: Drink eggnog. I don't care if it's the only beverage spiked at the lame-o church party you sadly agreed to attend with your aunt Judy. It's gross and has the consistency of a Twinkie dipped in whole milk. 

Do: Make good on all the mistletoe and make-out with someone, anyone really, besides your second cousin who you pretend to not find attractive. A cousin is a cousin. 

Don't: Eat only sweets. You want to feel jolly not look jolly. Diabetes is real, and everyone knows that Santa won't bring you an iPad 5 if you're fat. 

Do: Pretend to know a person's name even if you haven't seen them since high school and couldn't remember their name if they bribed you with alcoholic candy canes. Smile and say, "Hello you!" Works every time. 

Don't: Use ridiculous holiday-focused pick-up lines or conversation starters. These include: All I want for Christmas if you, Have you been a good girl/boy this year?, Care to jump on my sleigh?…and my favorite, I'm sure you're on my naughty list.

Mazel tov,

B