Monday Prayers with B.

I don't know what you did this weekend but amongst attending a wine-fueled winter bonfire and OCD-ly putting away everything that resembled Christmas at 903 I refocused my life. That's right, I made some resolutions that more so resembled goals in list form. Every honest (breathing) person resolves to lose weight. Or quit ______. Or start ______. I think it's fantastic, everybody becoming all productive and resolving to do such or such, but truth: vague goals are impossible to achieve.

So while I will not share with you all of my super specific thoughts, I will be ever so unconventional and show you some of the things I plan on steering clear of this year. Feel free to follow suit.

1. Cray Crays from 2012
2. Food dyes and refined sugars, oh and excessive amounts of gluten
3. People who post lots of "selfies"
4. Using the word "selfie"
5. Using any of the following excuses for not going to the gym:
      "It's cold"
      "I'm hungry."
      "I worked ALL day."
      "I'll go in the morning." (Disclosure: I never go in the morning.)
6. Insecurities ------ they're unnecessary, people!
7. Guys who don't have real jobs and think that's OKAY
8. Jets after 10
9. Brentwood Chiropractic
10. Emotional robots that pose as real people

This prayer is for all of us who are resolving/planning/goal-ing to succeed in becoming better versions of ourselves this year. Let's get to it.

xoxo - B

Merry Ex-Mas.

Ah, Christmas. The one holiday where it is totally acceptable to contact an ex since you can easily blame it on the spiked eggnog/cider/cocktail. Between Dec 1 and Jan 1 is prime time for rekindling old flames. Who has the energy to fix your hair and put on real clothes to impress a new one? And hey, if a celebrity supports such behavior then we the people can do so, too....right?

Katy Perry contacted her ex and he arrived in full Santa attire, hat included. Does this make it official? Who knows, who cares. Let's just hope John sang Santa Baby in leui of that Wonderland "song."

Happy holidays, everybody. Here's to five more days of drinking Coke and eating complex carbohydrates.

xoxo-B

Dear B: Naughty or Nice?

Dear B,

My frienenemy wants to know if she'll get presents this year for Christmas or actual coal. I told her I wouldn't tell anybody but since my therapist is already on vacay and you're basically the Bible I feel okay getting your advice. She's had two borderline-crazy boyfriends, an ex fiance and made out with a slightly famous country singer's brother…all in the past year or so. Besides eating Krystal's for lunch one day and wearing the same Patagonia on the daily she's been pretty nice. Does that cover her naughty-ness of year's past? Should I have her go ask a mall Santa just as a precaution? 

SOS, 

C******

Dear Nanny o' the Year,

First of all, you can tell your "friend" that she needs to CALM DOWN. We've all been a little naughty and Santa usually shows, aka no big deal! I would advise her to read something, anything really, to get educated and stop dating and/or mixing it up with the likes of those hot messes. I dare say match.com would supply a better dating roster for her to choose from, but honestly if she keeps eating Krystal's her not-dating will take care of itself. Sorry but I'm not sorry. 

Oh, and as if I have to tell you to tell her but I will:whatever you do don't go sit on a mall Santa's lap. Everyone knows the real Santa is way too busy this time of year to be sitting outside of a BCBG listening to you confess your sins of late just in time for him to pack up his sleigh. 

Also, since she sounds like the type to go to a party full of her old high school buddies and get completely toasted from one too many cups of spiked eggnog, tell her I said NO. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah,

B

get KIND.

My heart hurts too much to not say anything.

Our country is sad. President Obama not only fought back tears through two press conferences but quoted Scripture, more than once, while we all prayed for Newtown, CT. 

For the past two years I taught eighth grade, and I remember complaining through the many lock down drills, huffing and puffing since my kids would always go cray during any sort of drill. Some of my best friends were teachers, are teachers. My mom is a teacher. This senseless act of evil has made us rethink the ideal of what, and where, is safe. Parents and nannies everywhere are holding their babies tighter and playing princess and ninjas a little bit longer, regardless of runny noses or schedules. 

I'm ready for this country to get it together. Isn't it time that we love? 

My girl Ann Curry has challenged the nation to do a random act of kindness for each life taken – 26 total. I've watched as hundreds of responses have poured in these past few days, stories of people helping people, showing kindness to someone they've never met. A man from Wyoming bought breakfast for a family sleeping in the parking lot and let a gift card for food to help the rest of the week. A mom from Georgia put $50 on a random family's layaway at Wal-Mart. An 11 yr. old from DC made cookies for her teacher. I've challenged myself and I challenge you to get kind through random acts of kindness and compassion. Let's get creative and get busy– it is Christmas, after all. 

And don't lose heart; love is greater than this. Let's get kind.

xoxo-B

B's Guide to Holiday Parties.

Ah, holiday season is here again: the time of perpetual joy and too many parties thrown to celebrate sugar sweats and an obese, albiet lovable, hologram with a white beard. Now I love Christmas, so much in fact that I have committed to an exhausting number of holiday get-togethers, and yes, my chiropractor is concerned. As you can see, getting social this time of year is not for the faint of heart, aka you need an action plan. Here are the Do's and Don'ts I'll be using to help get me through the next twelve days of holiday schoomozing and socializing. 

Do: Smokey eye, nude lip and hair that has been brushed.

Don't: Glitter dresses, glitter belts, or anything in the sequin family...unless you just look awesome.

Do: Has showing a little leg ever been out of style? Show some leg; tights optional, heels preferred. 

Don't: Drink eggnog. I don't care if it's the only beverage spiked at the lame-o church party you sadly agreed to attend with your aunt Judy. It's gross and has the consistency of a Twinkie dipped in whole milk. 

Do: Make good on all the mistletoe and make-out with someone, anyone really, besides your second cousin who you pretend to not find attractive. A cousin is a cousin. 

Don't: Eat only sweets. You want to feel jolly not look jolly. Diabetes is real, and everyone knows that Santa won't bring you an iPad 5 if you're fat. 

Do: Pretend to know a person's name even if you haven't seen them since high school and couldn't remember their name if they bribed you with alcoholic candy canes. Smile and say, "Hello you!" Works every time. 

Don't: Use ridiculous holiday-focused pick-up lines or conversation starters. These include: All I want for Christmas if you, Have you been a good girl/boy this year?, Care to jump on my sleigh?…and my favorite, I'm sure you're on my naughty list.

Mazel tov,

B

Don't choke on your gingerbread.

Happy Monday.

If you're anything like me, and let's hope you are, then you are running on fumes and caffeine today thanks to an over-booked social calendar where you are forced to use weekends for doing as many extracurriculars as possible. And let's face it, between the holiday ornament exchanges and cookie swaps, most of us are just one yuletide soiree away from choking on our gingerbread men. For that reason, I will leave you some small bits of weekend wisdom in non-paragraph form...

Condoleezza Rice is Smart. 

One should never wear Toms + dress socks on a first date, nor should they reference a second, fifth or twentieth date. #nosir

It is completely acceptable to lie and say you have a long run at 6 am to get out of after-movie drinks with Mr. No-Go. 

People lose all sense of dignity and personal space while Christmas shopping.

Social cues are important, but not everybody has them. #neverforget

Lifetime Christmas movies all have some variation of the same plot line: 35-ish woman (usually divorced) has a killer job but an awful boyfriend BUT soon she meets a handsome, rich and completely normal man at a Christmas tree farm/mall who falls in love with her while showing her the true meaning of Christmas.

Sometimes I wish I was Jewish. 

Xoxo, 

B

Friday Prayers with B.

Well lovelies it's almost the weekend. A time for seeing (or not) seeing friends, getting into some shenanigans and staying up too late because you CAN. So before we start the freedom countdown, let's stop and think of those less fortunate with far more troubles. 

Today we pray for the following...

Lindsay Lohan, who is now literally selling the clothes off her back to pay for her taxes (low point)

Grace Coddington's assistant (she desperately needs a nap) 

Hallmark Christmas movie actors

People who watch Hallmark Christmas movies (Me) 

Kate Middleton and the Unborn Royal (can you say PRESSURE?) 

People who put reindeer ears on their mini-vans 

Tennessee Fans...Good luck to you and Mr. Jones

Mall Santas

Amen, xoxo-B

Dear B: Family + Holiday = Death?

Dearest B,

I was way excited to go home and spend some quality time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday but then it was a complete disaster. First of all they kept talking to me. THEN my mom asked if I was going to put on pants when I walked out in my thickest Lulu black tights, staring at me and soliloquying on about being ladylike while I changed into something way more boring. Also, why does it matter if I prefer soy in my coffee? I'm not a damn hippie I just like it. And why can't they just accept the fact that I don't want to marry "that sweet boy who used to go to school with me?" Please tell me what to do because I can't not go home for Christmas - I'm not an animal. 

Send help,

R

Dear Kevin McCallister,

Wow, you are exhausting. Cleansing breath on three. 1…2 Alright, so you should probably go ahead and accept the fact that every family is exceptionally dysfunctional over the holidays. I mean, have you seen Christmas Vacation? HELLO. When it comes to family and yuletide times, it's all about BOUNDARIES  Without them everyone is lost and well, miserable. I always make it clear which activities are fun and socially acceptable for all – movies are pretty safe – and which topics are always kosher – George W. Bush. I'm sorry that you're clueless, but I'm feeling extra light today thanks to juicing, so here are my do's and don'ts for the holiday season:

DO eat. You need your strength.

DON'T bring your boyfriend home with you unless he looks like a Kennedy.

DO talk about all of your volunteer work that you "enjoy." 

DON'T talk about your chiropractor's assistant that you're thinking of reporting for sexual harassment. 

DO bake. Christmas cookies, cakes, bread…anything. Baking brings people together. 

DO wear what you want. You're not 16 anymore. 

DO feel free to say "No thanks, I just ate," when offered gluten or saturated fats at the dinner table.

DON'T forget that the holidays are a great time to drunkenly reconnect with that ex who you never really got over via text message or hushed phone call. Just don't let any member of your family hear your conversation on the front porch. 

xoxo-B

all kenny wants for christmas.

1. To kiss Tim Tebow. Do I find him superhumanly attractive? Not really, but I would love to enrage every conservative Christian girl in America.

2. John Hamm.

3. A male seahorse in an aquatic tank.

4. Sushi delivered to my door, everyday, for the rest of my life. (Not at all related to #3)

5. Tickets to see Jay-Z and Kanye. I will watch that throne.

6. An attractive male to pump my gas for me, for life.

7. A big ole' cat, only to torture a particular friend of mine.

8. A ticket to Neverland Ranch, including airfare and an automated tour.

9. A face tattoo. I'm thinking a star of some sort, but I'm open to suggestions.

10. To be blonde for the day, ONE DAY, just to see how frightening I look and naturally, to see if they really do have more fun.

11. To be inside a fabulous Grey Goose commercial. Come on! They look like they're having so much fun!

12. John Hamm.

13. To lunch with Zooey Deschanel, my (female) bangs twin.

14. To meet the guy who blogs under the twitter alias, Men's Humor. It is highly possible that we are in fact soul mates.

15. To host SNL. Musical guest? HANSON. John Hamm would obviously be in every sketch. He's funny, right? Santa, make it happen.

16. Access to Perez Hilton's blackberry. I would get Chace Crawford's number in 2.5.

17. To run into either member of the Black Keys around town. Dibs on Beardy.

18. Dinner with the Obamas. I, of course, would sit at the kids table with Malia and Sasha.

19. To speak at the Freed Hardeman Benefit Dinner. Um, they had Cal Ripken Jr. so I think I have a pretty good shot.

20. To retire. Next year.

Wishing you and your's a very Merry Christmakkuh,

Kenny

tis the season!

Well sugarplums, the holidays are upon us. All of us are excited for the fat guy in the red suit to bring lots of goodies, because naturally, we have been very good this year and deserve that one month of unlimited Pure Barre classes. Tis the season to have some time away from the job and to spend how we choose, right? So what are we to do with your holiday-induced free time? One can only spend so much time opening presents and watching that It's A Wonderful Life marathon with the family.

Here are my suggestions for how to spend some of your holiday break, none of which require an ugly Christmas sweater...

1. Make Christmas cookies. They're easy to make with minimal clean-up and they really impress when edible. Oh, and you can decorate them with icing and sprinkles, if you're into dyes and processed sugars.

2. Watch Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and quote the film in its entirety. Don't be scared. Christmas is a time of perpetual joy - say that to those friends/lame family members that accost you for perfectly reciting your favorite Kevin McCallister lines. "Suck brick, kid!"

3. Go shopping. Whether it's fighting the dementors to get that last minute gift for so and so or taking back that awful pajama set in an attempt to exchange for something you actually like, get out there. It's the only American way to be one with the yuletide.

4. Listen to your favorite (non-Christmas) vinyls at a high volume while singing along to every word. Trust me, this is just as awesome as it sounds. Christmas came early for me when I got both Jenny Lewis and The Civil Wars to add to my growing vinyl collection, so yes, I am full of joy and good cheer.

5. Eat ice cream for dinner. You know you are in the prime of life when you do this.

6. READ. You know, something other than a boring work email or the nutrition facts on your microwavable lunch. Pick up that book that you've been too busy with life and other drugs to read and get started. Holiday break is the perfect time to read something funny, i.e. Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? since you will undoubtedly need a little pick-me-up after hours of quality family time and seeing pretty much everyone you went to high school with at the local Wal-Mart. Christmakkuh is also the best time to read something a little more heavy, cue Joe by Larry Brown, which is what I will be reading. If it all gets a little too messy in your head you can always turn on that cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie and take those engines back to neutral.

7. Do something completely selfless for someone you've never met. You know, pay it forward. Need ideas? Buy a Contributor from one of the vendors around Nashville and buy one for five of your closest friends, too. Take cookies, see also #3, to that neighbor you have never actually met. Surprise the person in line behind you at whatever coffee shop and buy their latte for them. If you can't be nice at Christmas, you don't have a soul.

8. Spend an entire 24 hours doing things that YOU want to do. Want to stay in your pajamas all day and watch 3o Rock reruns while eating sugar cookies in the shape of snowmen? Do it. Merry Christmas.

9. Spend time with the people you love. Make plans, move plans around - do whatever you need to do to spend quality time with the people you care about. And as for that certain someone who gives you butterflies and sets your hair on fire? Be sure to tell them how much they mean to you. Don't be shy. Blame it on Christmas.

10. Take a nap.

xoxo.