Dear B: Naughty or Nice?

Dear B,

My frienenemy wants to know if she'll get presents this year for Christmas or actual coal. I told her I wouldn't tell anybody but since my therapist is already on vacay and you're basically the Bible I feel okay getting your advice. She's had two borderline-crazy boyfriends, an ex fiance and made out with a slightly famous country singer's brother…all in the past year or so. Besides eating Krystal's for lunch one day and wearing the same Patagonia on the daily she's been pretty nice. Does that cover her naughty-ness of year's past? Should I have her go ask a mall Santa just as a precaution? 

SOS, 

C******

Dear Nanny o' the Year,

First of all, you can tell your "friend" that she needs to CALM DOWN. We've all been a little naughty and Santa usually shows, aka no big deal! I would advise her to read something, anything really, to get educated and stop dating and/or mixing it up with the likes of those hot messes. I dare say match.com would supply a better dating roster for her to choose from, but honestly if she keeps eating Krystal's her not-dating will take care of itself. Sorry but I'm not sorry. 

Oh, and as if I have to tell you to tell her but I will:whatever you do don't go sit on a mall Santa's lap. Everyone knows the real Santa is way too busy this time of year to be sitting outside of a BCBG listening to you confess your sins of late just in time for him to pack up his sleigh. 

Also, since she sounds like the type to go to a party full of her old high school buddies and get completely toasted from one too many cups of spiked eggnog, tell her I said NO. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah,

B

B's Guide to Holiday Parties.

Ah, holiday season is here again: the time of perpetual joy and too many parties thrown to celebrate sugar sweats and an obese, albiet lovable, hologram with a white beard. Now I love Christmas, so much in fact that I have committed to an exhausting number of holiday get-togethers, and yes, my chiropractor is concerned. As you can see, getting social this time of year is not for the faint of heart, aka you need an action plan. Here are the Do's and Don'ts I'll be using to help get me through the next twelve days of holiday schoomozing and socializing. 

Do: Smokey eye, nude lip and hair that has been brushed.

Don't: Glitter dresses, glitter belts, or anything in the sequin family...unless you just look awesome.

Do: Has showing a little leg ever been out of style? Show some leg; tights optional, heels preferred. 

Don't: Drink eggnog. I don't care if it's the only beverage spiked at the lame-o church party you sadly agreed to attend with your aunt Judy. It's gross and has the consistency of a Twinkie dipped in whole milk. 

Do: Make good on all the mistletoe and make-out with someone, anyone really, besides your second cousin who you pretend to not find attractive. A cousin is a cousin. 

Don't: Eat only sweets. You want to feel jolly not look jolly. Diabetes is real, and everyone knows that Santa won't bring you an iPad 5 if you're fat. 

Do: Pretend to know a person's name even if you haven't seen them since high school and couldn't remember their name if they bribed you with alcoholic candy canes. Smile and say, "Hello you!" Works every time. 

Don't: Use ridiculous holiday-focused pick-up lines or conversation starters. These include: All I want for Christmas if you, Have you been a good girl/boy this year?, Care to jump on my sleigh?…and my favorite, I'm sure you're on my naughty list.

Mazel tov,

B

Friday Prayers with B.

Well lovelies it's almost the weekend. A time for seeing (or not) seeing friends, getting into some shenanigans and staying up too late because you CAN. So before we start the freedom countdown, let's stop and think of those less fortunate with far more troubles. 

Today we pray for the following...

Lindsay Lohan, who is now literally selling the clothes off her back to pay for her taxes (low point)

Grace Coddington's assistant (she desperately needs a nap) 

Hallmark Christmas movie actors

People who watch Hallmark Christmas movies (Me) 

Kate Middleton and the Unborn Royal (can you say PRESSURE?) 

People who put reindeer ears on their mini-vans 

Tennessee Fans...Good luck to you and Mr. Jones

Mall Santas

Amen, xoxo-B

Real talk.

Last week I turned 26. A big milestone, if you're into that sort of thing. Age is terrifying, yes, fine, I agree. What's even more terrifying is the unnatural tradition of celebrating our inevitable loss of youth with toxic dyes and carbs, but I do love social gatherings. My friends proved to not only be pretty but functional, showering me with love and parties and glittered treats all week long. Even better, not one of them instagrammed a picture of me drawing a watch on my arm after Karaoke Santa told me no rap songs allowed until after midnight. After taking a nap and rehydrating I concluded I feel great about being 26. Everything is as it should be and it's all happening. 

With that being said, there are still questions left unanswered, people and ideas I can't seem to wrap my head around even now that I'm a year older. I'm sure you can relate.

THINGS I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND:

purity rings

Ashton Kutcher

boys who don't have real jobs

tap water

Scientology

people who (still) don't have an iphone

girls who do CrossFit

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney's sons who resemble Ken dolls

shoulder dancing

Don Draper-shadiness

maxi dresses

the state of Alaska

people who leave voicemails

There are more, trust me, but (some of us) have career ladders we're trying to climb and long lunches to take. I love you all. #freefiona

xoxo