Dear B: Family + Holiday = Death?

Dearest B,

I was way excited to go home and spend some quality time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday but then it was a complete disaster. First of all they kept talking to me. THEN my mom asked if I was going to put on pants when I walked out in my thickest Lulu black tights, staring at me and soliloquying on about being ladylike while I changed into something way more boring. Also, why does it matter if I prefer soy in my coffee? I'm not a damn hippie I just like it. And why can't they just accept the fact that I don't want to marry "that sweet boy who used to go to school with me?" Please tell me what to do because I can't not go home for Christmas - I'm not an animal. 

Send help,

R

Dear Kevin McCallister,

Wow, you are exhausting. Cleansing breath on three. 1…2 Alright, so you should probably go ahead and accept the fact that every family is exceptionally dysfunctional over the holidays. I mean, have you seen Christmas Vacation? HELLO. When it comes to family and yuletide times, it's all about BOUNDARIES  Without them everyone is lost and well, miserable. I always make it clear which activities are fun and socially acceptable for all – movies are pretty safe – and which topics are always kosher – George W. Bush. I'm sorry that you're clueless, but I'm feeling extra light today thanks to juicing, so here are my do's and don'ts for the holiday season:

DO eat. You need your strength.

DON'T bring your boyfriend home with you unless he looks like a Kennedy.

DO talk about all of your volunteer work that you "enjoy." 

DON'T talk about your chiropractor's assistant that you're thinking of reporting for sexual harassment. 

DO bake. Christmas cookies, cakes, bread…anything. Baking brings people together. 

DO wear what you want. You're not 16 anymore. 

DO feel free to say "No thanks, I just ate," when offered gluten or saturated fats at the dinner table.

DON'T forget that the holidays are a great time to drunkenly reconnect with that ex who you never really got over via text message or hushed phone call. Just don't let any member of your family hear your conversation on the front porch. 

xoxo-B

I Can't.

In preparation of days set aside for gorging ourselves on complex sugars and carbohydrates, hiding from awkward family members and remembering what we're thankful for, I would like to celebrate items I just can't get on board with. 

Tay Tay Swift singing live

Insta-relationships 

Justin Bieber and people caring about him in general

Work emails sent before 8 am

Channing Tatum 

***Hello, Sexiest Man Alive committee, you forgot Ryan Gosling? Obvs, your mistake

Ex-boyfriends who pose for family pictures with kids who aren't his

Hoof Shoes

The words crunk, adorbsicles and hardcore

Bitter Tennessee fans (I'll miss Dooley's pants, too)

xoxo-B

Dear B: Should I Buy TSwift's New Album?

Hi B,

So Taylor Swift's new album dropped at midnight last night and I really wanted to stay up and buy it but I fell asleep watching a Real Housewives reunion. Everyone is going on and on about how awesome it is but then again, she kind of drives me crazy. So should I buy it or just read all the Facebook posts about it?

Dear Indecisive Psycho,

Please tell me you stayed up last night because you had taken too many naps that day and really enjoy watching catty, middle-aged women quarrel at expensive parties. Sure, I can understand that. We've all been there. Just please don't tell me you planned on skipping the beauty sleep to legally download new "music" from Swifty… let's at least pretend to have some semblance of a life.  

Now look, Tay Tay is not my favorite, although in all honesty it's a hate/tolerate relationship with that not-so wild one. I HATE her voice. I TOLERATE her bangs. I HATE her recent obsession with an underage Kennedy and how coincidentally she has started dressing more Jackie O-ish. I TOLERATE her enthusiasm for snagging a Kennedy, I mean come on, who wouldn't want kids with that hair? I HATE her "You mean I really won this award? Again?! This is such a surprise!" face. I TOLERATE her "You cheated on me so now I will ruin your life while being more successful than you" lyrics. 

So yes, buy her album. Ignore that it's named after a color. I give you my blessing.

XOXO