Dear B: Family + Holiday = Death?

Dearest B,

I was way excited to go home and spend some quality time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday but then it was a complete disaster. First of all they kept talking to me. THEN my mom asked if I was going to put on pants when I walked out in my thickest Lulu black tights, staring at me and soliloquying on about being ladylike while I changed into something way more boring. Also, why does it matter if I prefer soy in my coffee? I'm not a damn hippie I just like it. And why can't they just accept the fact that I don't want to marry "that sweet boy who used to go to school with me?" Please tell me what to do because I can't not go home for Christmas - I'm not an animal. 

Send help,

R

Dear Kevin McCallister,

Wow, you are exhausting. Cleansing breath on three. 1…2 Alright, so you should probably go ahead and accept the fact that every family is exceptionally dysfunctional over the holidays. I mean, have you seen Christmas Vacation? HELLO. When it comes to family and yuletide times, it's all about BOUNDARIES  Without them everyone is lost and well, miserable. I always make it clear which activities are fun and socially acceptable for all – movies are pretty safe – and which topics are always kosher – George W. Bush. I'm sorry that you're clueless, but I'm feeling extra light today thanks to juicing, so here are my do's and don'ts for the holiday season:

DO eat. You need your strength.

DON'T bring your boyfriend home with you unless he looks like a Kennedy.

DO talk about all of your volunteer work that you "enjoy." 

DON'T talk about your chiropractor's assistant that you're thinking of reporting for sexual harassment. 

DO bake. Christmas cookies, cakes, bread…anything. Baking brings people together. 

DO wear what you want. You're not 16 anymore. 

DO feel free to say "No thanks, I just ate," when offered gluten or saturated fats at the dinner table.

DON'T forget that the holidays are a great time to drunkenly reconnect with that ex who you never really got over via text message or hushed phone call. Just don't let any member of your family hear your conversation on the front porch. 

xoxo-B

777, See You Never.

It's no secret I'm a closeted Rihanna admirer, despite the fact that she is not so secretly still in love with the criminal cray himself, Chris Brown. So to promote her new album, Unapologetic, BadGirlRiRi embarked on a trip completely planned by DefJam staff in hopes of gaining some good PR....the 777 tour. 7 shows in 7 countries in yep, you guessed it, 7 days. Catchy, I'll give her team that but HELLO, might want to make sure the main act is up for the challenge before putting 250 uber-fans and quote-hungry journalists on a private jet. It started sweet enough, Rihanna welcoming the lucky ones while wearing her "crunk shades" and pouring "presidential cognac" freely while while walking the aisles of the jet. 

Everyone was flying around Europe together with 70 bottles of champagne and top-notch amenities but not enough time to see much of the cities or fabulous hotels, and no sign of Rihanna herself. Turns out, fans and journalists only saw her onstage, performing the same set with the same chatter in between. Poor Peter Rosenthal from Rolling Stone likened the experience to Groundhog Day, siting lack of sleep and lack of much of anything from Rihanna. Thankfully everyone made it safely back to NYC just in time for Thanksgiving but no one is left feeling all warm and fuzzy. RiRi issued an apology today but I think it's safe to say the damage is done. So what have we learned here? Don't agree to a press junket world tour in a week's time if you don't want to do press, and always ask yourself, what would Jay-Z do?

p.s. Of course I'm still bitter I wasn't there for any of the aforementioned shenanigans. Also, don't eat carbs today, you'll thank me tomorrow.

xoxo-B

I Can't.

In preparation of days set aside for gorging ourselves on complex sugars and carbohydrates, hiding from awkward family members and remembering what we're thankful for, I would like to celebrate items I just can't get on board with. 

Tay Tay Swift singing live

Insta-relationships 

Justin Bieber and people caring about him in general

Work emails sent before 8 am

Channing Tatum 

***Hello, Sexiest Man Alive committee, you forgot Ryan Gosling? Obvs, your mistake

Ex-boyfriends who pose for family pictures with kids who aren't his

Hoof Shoes

The words crunk, adorbsicles and hardcore

Bitter Tennessee fans (I'll miss Dooley's pants, too)

xoxo-B