Stage 5 Clingers, Ex-Gf's of Relationships Past and the Business.

Last night I went to hear one of my favorite bands, J Roddy Walston and the Business – think gritty rock with excellent bed head and hello, GREAT name. I love love love everything about them and sing their praises often,  so naturally I rounded up my girls to their show last night. Yes, on a school night. We arrived an hour late and the opening act in flannel via Third Man Records had just started yelling through the mic. Cool. We assumed position towards the back and within five minutes I had a young man in a Fender Guitar shirt and some sort of wooden necklace asking if he could buy me a drink. Yes, this always happens to me.

Fender: "You let me know when that's nothing but ice and we'll fix you right up okay, Pretty?"

Me: "I'm sorry, what?"

Fender: "I once saved a cat that was stuck in a tree." (pauses for laughter, I think) "I'm trying to make a joke."

Me: "Cats freak me out, but E for effort."

Fender: "Do your friends want to see my guns?" (assumes somewhat of a Hercules pose, pushing out his chest and showing his arm "muscle")

Me: "Wow, okay, this just got much weirder than I need for a Thursday."

Stage 5 Clinger was a persistent one and had no concept of social cues, I.e. He shook Kenna's hand and then told her it was sweaty (which is a fact but RUDE) and then proceeded to tell me he forgot my name (I never gave him my name, are you kidding?). So ten minutes or so later I did what every respectable girl does - "I have a boyfriend. Maybe you should go find another girl to chat up." He walked away and we laughed as we moved up closer to the stage in preparation for our main men. 

This is where the story gets good. 

About five feet from us stood THE ex-gf, the one who has despised me for the past 2.5 years and basically burns a hole through my skin with her eyes every time we find ourselves in the same concert venue. I've moved on, PRAISE!, and I am happy to report I have no clue about either of their situations. I do know she was there and he was not. 

Anyways, we tried to keep a respectable distance but somehow ended up one handsy couple away. Suddenly, the most beautiful thing happened just as J Roddy slightly humped the piano bench wailing "Pigs & Pearls." Stage 5 Clinger stands beside her, they strike up a very merry conversation, and hey, next thing you know they're dancing and carrying on like a couple of kids who just met on eHarmony! 

It was truly a win-win for us all. 

XOXO,

B 

Desperately Seeking Attention: Guys Who Love Checking In, Taking Selfies and Yes, Poking.

Charming personality, winning sense of humor, spontaneous, and attractive in a Jon Hamm way but doesn't know it – these are my must-haves in a potential boyfriend. Not that I'm the Yoda of dating and modern relationships but I have dated the whole gamut in my 26 years, i.e. A preacher's son, an atheist, Satan with an SEC haircut, the guy who sells Christmas trees at Home Depot and the guy with a trust fund who I affectionately refer to as Vacay Cam. What do all of these dopes have in common? They love to tell you all about every major and minor activity they're apart of, pictures and ridiculous hash tags included. Lucky me, right? 

Here are some of the odd, unnecessary and sometimes down carny cray social media behaviors of guys everywhere that drive us crazy…and not in the warm and fuzzy I-want-to-jump-you way. Feel free to relate. 

Checking In Everywhere.

I don't need to know when and where you eat every meal and who you take with you. Guys only check-in and tweet their exact location for one of two reasons: they want to impress a girl or they want to make a girl jealous. Both are bad. Guys, if you want to impress a girl try taking her out on a date and having conversation while making her laugh. Occasionally throw in a word or two about your career goals and/or your five-year plan and you're golden. Note: Ambition is attractive. On the other hand, guys often broadcast where they are and who's with them in a thinly-veiled attempt to make a current or ex lady-friend jealous or better, realize what a good time they're having with someone else. Those guys are the worst.  

Taking Selfies.

In the car whilst "driving." In line to get into "the most dope show EVER." At the gym about to “hit it.” I'm sorry, but when did it become socially acceptable for a grown ass man to spend 3-5 minutes taking a picture of himself doing nothing spectacular at just the right angle then applying the best filter for his skin tone and mood? I have total respect for most men until I see the dreaded picture of them posing with their sunglasses on, attempting to look serious while doing what I can only compare to pouting and then adding a #bored, #workhardplayhard or my favorite, #you'rewelcome. Ladies, if a guy is taking a picture of himself his non-existent self-confidence is mixing with his narcissistic tendencies to create one tool bag of a man. Steer clear until he sees the error of his ways. 

Poking and Other Unacceptable Ways of Saying Hello.

True story: I still get "poked" 2-3 times a week by two different guys who feel like we're on the friend level since we attended the same university eight years ago. Nice try. I don't recall ever having a conversation with either of them of substance and needless to say I find the poking to be just as awkward as when it was first introduced and somewhat acceptable. Have I ever returned the sentiment? Never. Come on guys, social cues. Sure, we joke about guys not having a clue and sometimes needing to hear us spell it out, but they aren't completely inept. No (normal) female sees such behavior and thinks, "Wow, he knows what's up. I have to have him now." 

My final piece of advice? Girls, since we run the world, feel free to be the beacon of truth to the guy or guys in your life. Preach the good message that to be seen like a man they shouldn't post everyday like a needy girl or my bored mother who just discovered “The Twitter.” Instead, post with discretion and always with humor in mind when you feel like it. Then unplug. Besides, a little mystery goes a long way. 

xoxo,

B

I Can't.

In preparation of days set aside for gorging ourselves on complex sugars and carbohydrates, hiding from awkward family members and remembering what we're thankful for, I would like to celebrate items I just can't get on board with. 

Tay Tay Swift singing live

Insta-relationships 

Justin Bieber and people caring about him in general

Work emails sent before 8 am

Channing Tatum 

***Hello, Sexiest Man Alive committee, you forgot Ryan Gosling? Obvs, your mistake

Ex-boyfriends who pose for family pictures with kids who aren't his

Hoof Shoes

The words crunk, adorbsicles and hardcore

Bitter Tennessee fans (I'll miss Dooley's pants, too)

xoxo-B

Sundays with Nut Muffin.

This afternoon a rare thing happened - I went to the mall, completely of my own free will. I had a couple free hours and was in dire need of whatever the clinique bonus would provide so off to fight the green hills moms I went. So after hitting up nordstrom and chatting up the adorable and very pregnant Jesse Baylin I was walking out, my faith in department stores regained, when it happened - I heard the only ex-boyfriend who I never ever (ever) want to see ever call my (full) name and walk over to me. I was thrown off and all around freaked out that he was there, then, carrying a book that looked like a large text kjv Bible and looking to chat. 

He gave his best attempt at small talk while I stood there thinking how incredibly thankful I am to be far removed from all of that and how even his hair screams elegant mess. I would compare it to a bad rom-com but I've never seen one where boy lectures girl about some banned book he special ordered while girl laughs in her head because she knows that means he used Amazon...all while in the middle of the perfume counters. 

You call it an awkward encounter, I say it's just another Sunday.

xoxo-B